That must be it. My unstable hormones have caused my dramatic self to go haywire again. I realized one reason why I was so happy yesterday. It’s because I did things that required me to think of only those things, hence the problems that I had were put aside. Well today, I had too much silence. Silence in a mall? Yeah, when you’re alone it can be pretty silent. You’re head wells up in thought. Why am I walking in a mall when I have no intention to buy? I know I don’t have any money and yet I am here, looking at all those expensive things. I guess it’s the dream.
Why did I ever go into that movie theater? I used to go to the movie houses by myself a lot during med school. That’s how I was deemed a schizophrenic by my colleagues (just because it was mentioned as a description of a typical person with a schizophrenic personality in one of our classes). I guess I was just real curious about that movie “Sweeny Todd: Demon Barber of Fleet Street”. One thing made me snicker as I bought the tickets though. The lady (who was not as nice as that barista from my previous blog entry), was highly suspicious of my age. Sweeny Todd apparently was an R-18 movie. She looked at me with those crunched up eyebrows of hers and asked me if I was in college or high school. I stared at her with disbelief and told her “Maam, I am a post graduate student. I am a doctor!” and that made her HESITANTLY give me a ticket. Honestly, do I really look that young? Is it my fault that I don’t wear make up and that I never grew that tall? Not that I’m complaining. A lot of people would give whatever they had for my youthful face (hahahahahahaha…) Then again, a lot of patients wouldn’t take me seriously either because of this same face. Instead of calling me “Doctora or Maam”, the patients would call me “Ineng” (a Tagalog term for “little girl”). 4 years of college and 4 years of med school and months of internship, and I get the title “Ineng”. Fantastic right?
I am getting a flight of ideas again…
Then I went to Starbucks to get a glass of iced cafe latte… best to drink either while you are studying or if you’re having a chat with somebody. Seeing as I was alone that day… The fact that I was in a “socializing” area made it worse.
This is what happens when you are stuck, or shall I say “married” to your career. You got friends in the inside, but it’s rare for you to hang out outside the walls of the hospital… Come on, they got other better things to do. This is what happens when your old friends have gone and got married to their own jobs. It’s damn hard to make a schedule just for a chat over a cup of coffee. In a few months I’m gonna be high-tailing out of this country. As exciting as the ending of my internship is going to be, it also marks the ending up being a student. My friend known as MacGreen said in her recent blog entry, that we are nearing the age of unemployment. Right you are sister! Allowance… GONE. But the point is, right now, I miss having a constant companion. A friend (or a more than friend) that’ll be waiting for you on a coffee shop down the street with a book in hand to greet you with a warm smile who will ask you how your day went. Why don’t I have one of those? I got roommates… Obviously with their own lives to run. I am not even asking for activities that require doling out money. I just want to sit in a coffee shop (or in my dorm)… or in SOMEBODY else’s dorm… to HANG-OUT!
If my parents see this (which they probably will knowing that they know my blog address) they are probably going to think that I am now really hormonally imbalanced or mentally unstable. Is this DEPRESSION? As much as I love family gatherings, being with a friend is something that seems so easy to acquire for others but for me it’s something really difficult to attain.
I must be the saddest bloke in history…
I bet I wouldn’t even be writing in a blog if I had any good friends to talk to. Whenever I try to talk to my roommates (no offense guys you are the best and I don’t expect much from you…) I feel like I am always interrupting their studies. We laugh a lot, but bonding? I don’t think so. How about your own colleagues at work? That’s the point… They are your workmates… if you complain to them about work, I bet they are just going to say, “Well you’re not alone sister, we are going through the same shit.” How about family members? My parents are going to say “Well that’s medicine for you… Stick to it, if they can do it you can too.” Well that’s beside the point. I know I can do it, it’s just that I want to mope for a while. You can’t expect me to be happy and chipper everytime I cure a patient. That’s SICK!
Writing all this stuff down made me realize why I am so lonely. I got this friend who I used to hang out with all the time. Must have been one of my best companions. But years ago, we got into some problems and we just lost touch. We started to talk years after, but we never saw each other again personally. Even if I offer myself as company, my friend would say “Sorry” or “No, thanks”. You don’t need company. I didn’t want to act so direct, but as I sat in Starbucks tonight, I sent her a message through my cellphone. I told her that on Monday, I was available. I’ll be off work, so we could hang out, unless she had a date or has plans with the family. It was her birthday on Monday. I wasn’t expecting her to say yes. But I was hopeful. Well, she declined my offer. She didn’t have any plans on Monday, but she also didn’t feel like celebrating. Truth is, I wasn’t just offering my company so that she will be happy on her birthday. I was offering my company because I needed company. Yeah, the bigshot doctor (or the lowlife intern) needed to have some friendly conversation time. Can’t a girl have some girl talk for a change? If she ever found out that I wrote a blog about her for the whole world to see she is probably going to bury me alive. But hey, I have feelings too… Hard to believe, but yeah, I was hurt. Our friendship has come to a point where I have to choose my words when I talk to her. It has come to a point where I have to offer my time, when I used to be just THERE for her, no need for stupid invitations to hang out. When you are friends you just HANG OUT! You don’t fling yourself to a friend for them to notice you… It almost came to a point where I just wanted to tell her “HEY! I know you got problems, but maybe you can set them aside for a while and comfort ME for a change?”
Friends put aside their own problems to stand by their comrades… It’s a give and take relationship right?
It’s 12:04 AM… I still don’t have somebody physically to talk to…
Let me ask you guys… Do I have to tell her directly that I want to hang out with her because I miss our friendship, and because I am the one in need of company?
Sometimes I just wish that somebody new would come along…
I never ever replace my friends… I just open up my heart for new ones that’s all… But it looks like that chair across mine at the coffee shop will remain empty for a long long time… That chair beside me at the movie house is empty too… That did it, I am officially a trainwreck. Still with all of these emotions… I don’t even qualify to be a diagnosed case of Major Depressive Disorder.
I gotta get up for work in 5 hours… Might as well just sleep to forget my problems…
Message me if you wanna have a cup of coffee…
Say something