84 days until the end of internship… It’s about that time when I have already gotten used to the ins and outs of PGH, I have already established a set of friends, and my blockmates knows each other’s strengths and weaknesses.
But this didn’t stop me from totally breaking down… I am supposed to be used to an every 3 day duty, but right now all I am feeling is fatigue and depression. You know when you are not mentally and physically fit when you wake up everyday dragging your feet to work. You have to work up an appetite just to get by. You literally count the seconds till you are allowed to go home. And I am not just breaking down… I am really experiencing burn out. Everyday, I want to skip duty, but because I know I am going to cause a major headache to my blockmates, I still go. I wake up late because of so much fatigue, so I end up being marked tardy in the attendance, which will require me to take additional hours later on which makes the length of my agony longer and longer. When I am at work, all we talk about is work. When it’s time to go home, I basically go to the mall by myself just to get entertained. No, I don’t go out with friends. They got better things to do. I try to study, but my mind is to preoccupied. I am too tired to hit the gym.
I wasn’t planning to go home this weekend, but seeing as it is my only chance to go home, I might as well take that opportunity.
I’m stopping myself from breaking glass and throwing stuff around…
To make matters worse, I even ended up hurting someone while I was on the verge of my madness at the world. And I am now at a loss at how to get things back to the way it was.
I want to take a break… But I want to get things done.
I’m 23 years old, young and still in a hurry to get through life. Am I missing out on the good stuff? Is it really worth it, being in such a hurry? If I was in such a hurry, I should have just taken up something that will get me easy money. Or maybe I should have entered showbusiness while I still have my youth.
Is it too late to start fixing things? To start fixing myself?
All day today, I thought that I really need to get help. From a psychiatrist, a therapist… If I am lucky, maybe I could even get help from a friend.
And in my haste, I end up hurting the ones that are near me.
Is it really that hard to get help?
Is it really that hard to find a friend who will just take you as you are?
And if I find a friend, how long will the friendship last? Will I screw this up just like in all the relationships I had?
Maybe that’s why I am better of going to the mall on my own… Because I don’t know how to deal with people…
58 minutes to the next day… In a few hours I will be on duty again…
God, if you can read this, please give me a sign just to tell me that everything is going to be alright… This is as bad as it’s going to get… One can only go up from here. Time sure ain’t flying when you are not having fun at all…
I guess this is what they call, hitting rock bottom.
Say something