stressball

I’m studying for the USMLE Step 1, a very important exam.  All I need is a clear head.  But all I hear is nagging.  About my weight.  It’s true, I do have a problem controlling my food intake.  But I don’t need to hear somebody tell me about it every day.  I don’t like having to share a bed with someone who doesn’t respect my personal space.  I don’t like the my times of weakness during these stressful times.  I hate that I don’t have my own money because I don’t earn.  I don’t hear one bit of kindness from you, not a compliment.  I hate that you shush me when I sing as if I have a horrible voice.  I hate that you make me feel ungrateful when all I do is for you and everybody else.  Give me a reason to enjoy your company.  Tough love is love, but darn it hurts so bad.

If you think I failed you so much, then let me just walk away and let me face my problems on my own.  If you’re not gonna cheer me on then just leave.  If you’re gonna make me hate myself enough to wake up in the morning with a frown on my face…

Then let’s just not talk at all.

You are so insensitive about my feelings that I had to write all of my frustrations down in a blog instead of talking to you because I know you won’t listen.  All the world saw what I feel in this blog.  All except you.  Why do you spend time with me at all if you’re just gonna criticize me like I am going to make a mistake by just breathing?

Great, you made me hate myself for hating you.  I want to be close to you but you keep on doing things that make me regret trying to be nice.

I don’t know why I even tried.

personal space

We all need personal space don’t we?  Personal space keeps me alive and sane.  Invade it and I go crazy.  I don’t mind hanging out with people.  Some say that I am even open about what I do with myself.  But when people start telling me what to do all the time especially when it’s about what I do with my life and my own body then that’s stepping over the line.  People don’t tell me what to write on my blog.  Because it is also my personal space.  I keep things honest without hurting other people in the process.

Sometimes I just wanna be alone.

I am human, I long for companionship.  But I also love quiet moments.  And I love the power of turning on my speakers in full blast and singing without anybody shushing me.

Right now I do not have personal space at all.  Dammit I don’t even have my own bed.

I love studying in the library.  You know why?  Not because I am alone there, because trust me, people will come.  But because when I am in the library I am there, with people around me, but with nobody telling me to do stuff.  It’s like in the library I have a bubble.

Even in my old dorm, where I lived with 3 other people we each have our own bubble.  We talk to each other once in a while, we even go out together.  But we all have our personal schedules that we stick by.

I am not perfect. I need to shape up.  But all I need is encouragement.

WRONG: “You should walk later! Your getting too fat!”

RIGHT: “Good job on eating just half a cup of rice this lunch time. Maybe you should walk later so you can burn more calories!”

MORE WRONG: “Maybe surgery is your only hope.”

Now that’s just giving up on my abilities altogether.

I need a reminder that I am still capable of taking care of myself.  If I am not, then I guess I can’t be trusted in taking care of other people and quit medicine altogether.

I need to get a job.

I need to earn my own money.

I need to earn money to support my family.

I need a place of my own.

I need my personal space back.

new season

Sorry guys, no more sad/funny internship stories from me!  As most of you know I passed the Philippine Boards and I am now studying for the USMLE (United States MEdical Licensure Exam) Step 1, which contains 1st year and 2nd year subjects.  I’ve been on vacation for months and now I am back to studying everyday.  My exam is in 2 months.  It’s been hard going back to reading the books, good thing my classmate gave me some videos which are definitely easier to study.  I’m beginning to like living in the US.  I miss my friends and relatives a lot, but because of the internet, I get to talk to them at least once a week.  So who knows what will happen in this new season?